Terms and Conditions

Hi - you're about to embark on a world of wonder and amazement with Chromattica. A product Yevgeny (Genia) Simkin built with love and generosity in his heart.

This product is Genia's brain-child and he loves it almost as much as he loves the less favorite of his many, many children. So - the first term that you're agreeing to in using it is your acknowledgement that it's intended to make your life better and the moment you find it doing anything other than making your life better, you are to uninstall it, and go outside, and take a deep breath, and then go walk your dog. You are not obligating yourself to acquire a dog if you don't presently have one at the time of this separation, but if you do have one then it's getting walked then.

This product is not making any guarantees. It's built on top of Chromium which is managed by Google - but Google has no access to anything that happens inside it - until such time as you give them access by logging into one of their many, many wonderful (and let's face it, a host of other suboptimal) offerings.

It's essentially a browser with a whole lot of really nifty features that browsers don't offer. No guarantees that any of these features work. No guarantee that any of these features are developed in a way that makes sense to you. Genia thought them up and now you get to use them - or not - it's entirely up to you!

To put it in terms that make the lawyers happy: Chromattica is provided "as is" without warranty of any kind, express or implied, and Genia's liability to you for anything that goes wrong is limited to the amount you paid for it (which, let's be honest, might be zero).

If you'd like to place an ad in these terms - you can't - even if they're going viral as very funny and unusual terms.

[This space not for rent]

Terms and conditions rarely feature jokes of any kind. That's a bummer. We (ok, ok, there's no "we" - it's just Genia) - thinks that this trend is in need of breaking.

Here's a joke I wrote a few years ago... Newspapers have the obituaries where they describe in glowing terms people who have passed away. But there's a whole raft of people who are really terrible and could use a good public drubbing. It would be great if Newspapers developed a section where they take such people to town for being the shit that they are and that section would be called the Son-of-a-bitchUaries.

Good, right?? And Ricky Gervais (who I think is a marvelous fellow) is on record saying that puns are not funny because they're just... "there"... well fooey on that!

Now, where were we? Ah - right - well - this app is a "pay-what-you-like" app for now. If the most you can afford is ZERO then all I ask is that you write me an email and tell me that you're really enjoying this app and you genuinely would appreciate if you could use it gratis. You can! If that's your situation - I absolutely don't want your money. What I'm asking is $25 but you can pay less (or more!). It's entirely up to you and if you want to pay me AND tell me that you're really loving the product, well, I'd love to hear from you!

Also - this product is a way to fund SamizdatOnline.org. That's a platform that I built to break past censorship walls of countries like Russia and Iran and let their people read whatever they want on the Internet (you know... like it should be everywhere!).

So - if you would prefer to donate there then please do and then just let me know that that's your preferred way of supporting this product and I'll send you a license.

Oh, and if you're one of the people that doesn't think that the Russians or the Iranians should be able to read whatever they want then you can't use this product and you're a terrible person. Someone should write a son-of-a-bitchUary about you.

This product is not intended for children under 13. If you're under 13, go play outside. Seriously. The Internet will still be here when you're older and it's not going anywhere good in the meantime.

These terms are governed by the laws of British Columbia, Canada. If there's ever a dispute (and let's hope there isn't because that sounds exhausting for everyone), that's where we'll sort it out.

If you have any questions, complaints, jokes you'd like to share, or existential concerns about these terms, you can reach Genia at contact@chromattica.com.